Stupak is Stupid.

I'm doing homework and so have very little time to update at the moment. However, I think that it is imperative that all US citizens read the Stupak Amendment, which has been conveniently tucked into the Health Care bill that is currently being debated.

Someday I will have more time to write about politics! As for right now, I'm scared of the country that my daughter will grow up, the country that I want to contribute to as a teacher and the country that I really believe in. Believed. I'm not sure which tense to use.

Scary shit.

Let The Sunshine In

I wish that were metaphorical, ha. But alas, no, LITERAL. I've been sitting on my computer for the last hour or so, doing lots of Very Important Things (ahem, meaning I got ALL OF MY HOMEWORK DONE because I would never sit here and add some touches to my dream house on The Sims, or read other bloggers, or compare prices on mineral makeup or stare at my homework calendar and turn it backwards so it would stop yelling PROCRASTINATOR at me) while Natalie got ready for work and Emily played upstairs.

Natalie, if you recall, is one of my best friends in the Universe. She is commonly introduced as my sister, is known to Emily as "Auntie" and is Emily's godmother. She lives in a town, which is a word I use loosely for the place she lives as it isn't really a town but is more a conglomeration of condos and hot weather, about three hours away from me and she comes here on the weekends. Having her here is wonderful, because she loves Emily so much and it's really good for Emily to have some family here.

Emily has been testing limits lately, like, you know, every three year old on the planet. The Awesome Neighbors' daughter has recently begun a home decorating business, one that focuses on large, uneven circles on the lower parts of the walls as a means of opening up rooms and making them more welcoming. Emily doesn't test like that. She's a little OCD and honestly, I'm ok with that. She likes things clean, likes to clean messes, and is meticulous with making sure things are "how they should be." Emily's way of testing limits is with her mouth. She has an attitude and when I say attitude, I mean a three-word ahh- tih- TUDE. She is known to stand in front of her mirror and tell herself off as a means of practicing for telling her babies off. She throws words around just to see if she can and she shakes her hips while walking more competently than most drag queens I've known. She makes faces, rolls her eyes, throws her hands up and yells "FINE!" and is in every way a teenager. I'm pretty sure that she's sneaking out at night in clothes I don't approve of to kiss boys and eat pot brownies.

I think I'd prefer she color on the walls.

Anyway, last night The Girlfriend and I went on a date night (which is a story for later, because it was just a series of hilarious unfortunate events) and while we were gone, Emily tried out lying to Auntie Nat to see if she could. Fortunately, Auntie Nat is no idiot and called her on it immediately. I suck at conclusions. But I can't believe that Emily did that. My sweet, sweet baby is WAY to smart for her own good. And she lied just to see if she would get caught. I thought I wouldn't start dealing with this stuff until she was thirteen or so.

Honestly.

I really don't know what to write in here sometimes. I have a lot to say, a lot that I'm feeling and going through and wanting to share, but not a way to do it. I can't write about work on here (as learned by one Heather B. Armstrong at dooce.com), I can't write too much personal stuff, but think I need to find a way around that.

I'm publishing a zine in one of my classes. I was a little more excited about it before than I am now, because now the work is creeping up on me and it's a little scary. Also, we didn't get as many submissions as I wish we had gotten. That sucks.

There's a story I turned in to my professor because we had something due, but I explained that it is absolutely NOT something that I could ever publish online at this juncture. It's about Emily's dad. I didn't know it was going to be written, but it was and it's honest. However, honestly, I'm learning that I need to be more careful with what I put out there. I'm considering deleting my facebook, I never use my myspace, and I'm getting a little sick of the whole public social networking thing. And then, when I'm super bored I sit back and think that I'm going crazy in a very real way if I'm actually considering deleting my facebook account.

Which brings it down to this. The theme of the post. Honestly, I have been going a little crazy. Quietly, slowly, calmly crazy. Not out loud, except for the brief outbursts at whoever pisses me off with whatever little thing when the wind blows northwest at 4.9 miles an hour. Then the wind changes direction and I'm not angry anymore, and I obsess about the oversharing I've probably done and then I wonder why I can't just update my damn blog. There have been doctor visits regarding this elusive pain in my head, which they think is a nerve/muscle/stress thing. I have an entire pharmacy on my kitchen counter and am only taking one thing, Neurontin. Some anti-seizure medication that apparently helps with nerves.

I'm trying to suck up the courage to call the doctor and admit that I think I have some head stuff going on that I need some help with. That for me is so ridiculously difficult. I've been reading Dooce.com for years and have so much respect for her candor and honesty. And I sit here and wonder why I can't do that. I want to share a story that doesn't often get shared and I want to be able to be honest about what's going on with me. And I think that's part of the problem: that honesty is terrifying. I'm the person who is always, always fine. Always there to help whenever I can, always available for a phone call and always willing to drop everything to be ok. And lately, I have nothing. No more to give. And, honestly (word over-use, I know) I don't care. I don't care that I can't be everything for everyone. I don't want to be. I don't want to change my life, I don't want to change what I'm doing, things I'm trying to do with my daughter so that I can give her a different life. This post is going nowhere, because my head is a mindfuck.

I've always been a little scared of going public. What are the ramifications of all of that? Who could I hurt? What could happen? I'm not trying to out-Dooce anyone, in any way. But I need to be a little more open. I'm trying to find the balance between my being able to be open without hurting those who don't need to be hurt. I'll find it, and then I'll update more.

Who loves Glee?

Headdesk

Emily and I are sitting here on the couch watching The Wizard of Oz.

Me: "Dorothy's gonna follow that yellow road to see the Wizard of Oz."

Emily:"You mean the Wizards of Waverly Place?"

I think she seriously expects Selena Gomez to appear on the road with fashionable clothes and witty remarks, casting spells and flipping her hair.

Nightly Ritual

How I Spent My Saturday Night

cell pic of the day.

More writing time is opening up soon. Yay!

Back From The Dead

I will update soon. Promise.

Someday I'll Update For Real

In lieu of real though, here are more snippets:

- Why are all of these people flipping out about Obama's speech to students? Haven't seen it? Look on whitehouse.gov. When I was in 2nd grade, Bill Clinton was in office. We learned about him, Hillary and Chelsea as parts of our social studies/current events classes. We learned about what he was doing and we talked about our thoughts on all of it. We were encouraged to talk with our parents about all of it too. His speech wasn't about promoting socialism, promoting his agenda, or anything like that. It was a message to the students of America, who are grossly irresponsible, ungrateful and entitled, that they need to work and work HARD to get to their goals. If parents in general were talking to their children about this, the President might not have to.

What I was taught is that even if you don't agree with the leader, you respect and support the leader. I think people need to back the fuck off. Actually listen to the words in that speech and then probably follow it themselves. I'll say that honest to everything and anything holy that his speech inspired me. It was a swift kick in the ass to stop bitching about the semester I have, how much I hate it, because even though it doesn't feel important, that these baby steps will help me be who I want to be.

- Emily got moved up a classroom at school. Finally. She is disgustingly smart. And a little OCD. We were in her bedroom and she was lying in bed talking to me before she went to sleep. Tomorrow she's going to The Girlfriend's mom's house for a sleepover and said "Mom, I want to draw you pictures. You like pink and green and um, black?" I said no, I like pink and green and brown. And she says "Oh. OK. Wait! What if there're no crayons? What will I do?" And she flipped out, talking a mile a minute for four minutes before I stopped her and told her not to worry. Funny girl.

That's all for now.

Some quick pics.

I'm sitting around a fire right now with The Girlfriend, the Awesome Neighbors and all the kids. I wish summer could last a little longer.

Procrastinator

I am supposed to be working right now. The Girlfriend is in class and I have homework and a deadline coming up. However, my mind is just SO FULL. So. We shall do very few small snippets.

- I think the man who slapped the toddler? That yeah, ok, he shouldn't have done it. But for anyone who shops at Walmart? It's like redneck central, at least where I live. There are MILLIONS of children running around shoeless, shirtless and seemingly parentless. It's annoying and wrong. These kids jump in front of your carts, open things up and SCREAM. So, like I said, he shouldn't have done it. I personally think that physically disciplining any child that is not your own is wrong, no matter what. However? I totally understand and sympathize and I think that parents need to be taking WAY more responsibility for their kids' manners, especially in public. Whatever happened to politeness? Teaching our children right from wrong?

- Healthcare? I don't understand the big thing. People should be more important than money, money should be less important than it is, and no one under eighteen, employed or being generally more productive to society than less productive, should have to DIE because they can't afford doctor visits. This one hits home a little too personally for a snippet, but I will write about it later.

- I love dooce. And her washing machine story? I followed it on twitter and people are RIDICULOUS. They also don't know the definition of fairly simple words and they attack and attack and attack. This ties in with snippet one: what happened to manners?


This can all be summed up by what I say more often than anything: The entire world needs to gain a better sense of common decency, common courtesy and common sense. If those three things could be attained? I think it would all be good.

Back to work.

The Other Night

We went out to dinner. I had arranged for Emily to have a sleepover at one of her friend's houses (which is a total different post about nerves, about things like OHMYGOD, what if Emily can't sleep and I'm not there? and things like FUCKFUCKFUCK I FORGOT TO PACK HER PRINCESS DOLL) and I took The Girlfriend out to have a good night of fun before school started. Oh yeah, school started Monday. Awesome.

My grandma called me earlier, which is good because her birthday was Sunday and I called and called and kept getting a busy signal.

We all love snippets, right?

Today was my second day out of work. I wake up every day and feel like shit. Every day, without fail, I feel like absolute ass. My mouth is like the fucking cave of wonders. Seriously, you should see the stuff I scrape off of my tongue with my tongue scraper. It's gross. Anyway, every morning I feel like but. No voice, stuffed nose, etc. Usually a shower, an allergy pill and a few cups of hot coffee turn it all around within an hour or so. But on Tuesday, by eight thirty in the morning (three and a half hours after waking up), I still felt like butt. And was dizzy on top of it. And my voice was not getting better with hot drinks, but was disappearing all together. By nine am, I thought I was dying. Seriously. (I'm not at all dramatic. At all.)

So I went home. I spent the entirety of the day moaning in the bed, getting up to have my entire stomach fall out of my ass and then stagger back to bed, groping at the walls because I was so dizzy that I quite literally couldn't see straight. I would get in bed, argue with the pillows because I couldn't have my head too horizontal but my neck hurt if it was too vertical and it was awful. There was a bottle of honey next to me which i drank straight, the way that the ladies at churches throw back the communion wine shots on Sundays. You know what I mean, the way they try to look dignified in their hats and pretty outfits but really, who can look dignified when taking a shot?

The Girlfriend was kind enough to pick Emily up and the Awesome Neighbors took Emily and fed her so that I could lie around in my misery alone. Emily came back home around 6:45, just in time for bed and The Girlfriend got home from school around 8:15 or so. I don't really remember.

This morning I woke up and expected to have had some magic recovery. And when I put my feet on the floor, my head rolled off of my body because the weight of the snot couldn't be contained. It rolled off and the snot left a trail and I died. Right there. Dead. And then I had to wake Emily up to dress her and get her butt to school. So I informed my boss that I was still feeling ill (and I'm pretty sure the word butt was in that information) and got Emily to school and came home amazed that I hadn't been arrested and given a breathalyzer for driving drunk.

So I sucked it up and went to the doctor today. I'm not one to freak out about things. At all. I'm one who tends to think that the media overplays things WAY TO FUCKING MUCH. However, I'm an asthmatic, a college student and I have a three-year-old. So I decided it would be good to make sure that I do indeed have a cold and not H1N1 or anything more serious. I go to the doctor and she does all her stuff, blood pressure, weight, asks if I've quit smoking, stethoscope, etc. Then she puts her fingers on my face and taps on my cheeks, right under my eyes and I YELLED. Seriously yelled at this poor woman, who timidly says "um, I guess that hurt?" and then proceeded to tap on my forehead above my eyebrows, and tears fell from my eyes.

Diagnosis? Wicked sinus infection, double ear infection and it looks like strep might be on it's way. Awesome! I love having a shitty immune system! It's fucking awesome! So I was give some antibiotics and a nose spray and was told that if I don't start feeling better soon, or if at anytime I feel like a semi just ran over my body, I need to call her back.

Tomorrow I'll be back at work, dizzy, running to the bathroom and hoarse, but I'll be there. It's been weird to sit at home. I love work and haven't known what to do with myself.

I did, however, learn how to make apple maple chicken sausage, courtesy of Rachel Ray.

I know. I know.

You're all desperately wondering where I've been, right? Probably not. I'm smart enough to know that you probably don't care all that much. I do though.

I started this blog for many reasons. I've written my entire life: I have diaries from seventeen years ago when I was five. I've had an online journal for nine years and have always dabbled in poetry, short stories, writing jobs, etc... This blog was supposed to be another outlet, and hopefully one that could gain some outside popularity so that I would have a bigger audience to provide opinions.

The other part of it is that I think I'm living a life that many women are living. But there's simply not the time to write about it. I wanted to make the time, to make a voice for all of the women like me. To open the eyes of other women who so frequently look down their noses at us, the lower tiers of money and society. I feel that the class I'm in, the social setting and the general place in life is a place that not many people know about.

I think I lead an important life and that all the women, and probably some men too, that are living it deserve to have a story told. I think we deserve to show our sides of parenting, the side that isn't fortunate enough to have the most important conversations be about popular internet baby controversy: pacifiers?? Circumcision? Co-sleeping? Bottle or boob? To be able to have those conversations dominate your life, to have those be your only parenting choices, that is a luxury. And I think that is forgotten.

This is why I want to have this blog. I also want to show that it is possible to be multi-faceted. I can be Melissa, Mommy, big sister, political moderate that swings right, tree-hugger, writer, singer and twenty-two year old, all at the same time. I want there to be some proof to my child that her mother was a person. I want to show the world that it's all possible and that there are ways to make it happen.

Unfortunately, a side effect of the life I lead is that time is limited. I work, all the time. I have my day-job, a job that I love and I have a writing job, a job that I also love. I also like to spend some time with my daughter. I have a home to clean and a car that is entirely way too crappy to run with no maintenance. I have my best fruiends, bills, you know... all of those things that make up a life. All of the parts that come together to make this person I am. I have them. And sometimes, the things I want to do are on the bottom of the list. Things like writing in my blog, things like working on my book (that no one knows about. until now I guess.), things like calling my family to see how they're doing, or remembering to write thank you cards.

I will do it though. For those of you that do read this, please keep readinjg. Because as much as I hate the lack of updating, that lack of time is an important part of my voice. It speaks more honestly than many things I could write about. So, don't stop. Because it will get better.

And, I have some funny stories I've been storing. So. Stick around!

ps. Cell phone picture of the day may come back. But probably not daily. I't"ll probably be done on Saturdays. That's what I'm thinking. Silent Saturdays. No words, just a picture. I'm still thinking through it.

pps. please excuse typos. I'm not typing on a conventional keyboard.

OMG

It's amazing what life will do to a blog! I'm sorry, readers.

We decided to go to the beach this weekend and we just got home. And of course, yours truly forgot her camera. But it's ok. It was an entire weekend full of, ready? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. And it was fucking glorious. Seriously. We got there on Friday and it was in the middle of the windstorm (which is typical) and set everything up. Emily immediately got in to the water and played for over two hours. Hot dogs were put on marshmallow pokers and roasted to crispy perfection and then I looked at the stars while The Girlfriend did some night fishing.

On Saturday morning we woke up and set up the shades (it had been too windy for that the night before) and then cooked up some breakfast burritos. Then Emily played in the water for the entire day while The Girlfriend fished and I went back and forth from the water to lying in the sun to sitting in the shade and feeling the breeze on my skin. There was lunch, and snacks, and Emily took a nap in the sand under the shade, and there was dinner and s'mores and the kid in bed and more night fishing and kissing under the moonlight. It was amazing. And it was just what I needed.

Even more amazing is that there were NO INJURIES. Two trips ago, The Girlfriend was trying to teach me to chop wood. Well, hi, I'm a city girl. Through and through. Do you need to know how to take a bus somewhere? What neighborhoods you can't wear what colors in? How about the best Greek food hole in the wall? Oh! Oh! Or how about how to get out of a ticket? Or what alleys to run down to escape cops? I can tell you all of those things. Now, things like driving a stick-shift, camping, or ever being used to seeing wild animals casually strolling along? I don't know how to do.

I tried to learn to drive a stick. And honestly, I just have no interest. It's as simple as that. I know it's a useful skill, but I'm over trying. It doesn't work. Something about using both feet simultaneously just doesn't click with my brain chemistry. Camping? I have found out that I LOVE CAMPING. It turns out that I'm down to get a little dirty and sit around a fire. The wild animal thing still throws me, but anyway. The Girlfriend was trying to teach me to chop wood. So we had this piece of it on top of a stump and she was showing me how to hold the axe. Our friend was also trying to teach me. So between the two of them I got two conflicting sets of instructions and I tried to mesh the two and after comPLETELY missing the wood, I chopped the end of my flip flop and almost cut off my toe. Literally.

(Lessons learned: 1) Don't make city girls attempt this shit. 2) Wear closed-toe shoes when using sharp objects. 3) Don't ever, ever trust Melissa with swinging sharp objects, especially after she's been given two different sets of instructions.)

Now, last trip, The Girlfriend broke her pinky toe. While her injuries are usually sustained because of overuse of adult beverages, this particular injury wasn't. The boys on the trip had been playing horse shoes and left the stakes in the sand. In the pitch black. The Girlfriend was running to her fishing pole and ran in to the stake. The toe at the bottom joint stuck out at a 90 degree angle and then the middle joint pointed straight down. It immediately started to swell. Now, The Girlfriend has some monkey toes. Like she could peel a banana, paint a picture, and cook with her toes. When this happened? Her pinky toe resembled my Flinstone toes. So she hobbles over to me and whispers "Um, I think I sprained my toe. Can you look?" So I look and then between three people, we pop her toe back in to place. Now, a full month later, it's almost back down to regular size. (Also on that trip, she cut her hand, bruised her back and arm, and burned her thigh. All of those injuries were, in fact, her fault.)

So this trip, NO INJURIES! was a very very good thing. I'm actually kind of amazed. And now, I have a ton of shit on the floor next to me, shit that needs to get put away but won't until tomorrow. I have a baby upstairs watching Snow White and I have a mouth full of teeth that need brushing.

I'll write more. I promise.

For The Big Boys

Yesterday, Emily and I went to a one-year-old's birthday party. Some of the Dad's friends brought a seven foot water rocket. This is it launched in the air, moments before it landed in a tree.

Signs of Life

First, let me say that I love that I can draw on my phone. Because arrows and the such are fun.

This was formerly a pot of dirt and today? A bud! These will be orange, butterrfly-attracting flowers.

Because Parents Don't Have Enough To Worry About

entry to come later, when I'm at my computer, because my thumbs might fall off.

Totally Unqalified Opinions.

I'm working (and not procrastinating at all with my blog) and have the TV on in the background (because I have a tendency to freak out when I'm alone) and Oprah's on. Darius Rucker, of Hootie and the Blowfish is on singing one of his country hits and, um, he looks high as a fucking kite.

But hey, props to him for singing live. Even thought he's flat (and I'm actually not unqualified there, I grew up singing in a pretty awesome choir). And apparently, I love parentheses tonight.

()()()()()

Slacker

I know I'm a slacker. With the pictures. In my defense, it's been a wicked busy week. I'm trying to finalize my schedule, I've been working out like crazy and The Girlfriend left today for a deep-sea fishing trip (and I'm a huge baby because it's been three hours since she left and I'm already trying really hard not to be a mess. It's not working so well.), and I was trying to stay away from my computer, also known as my crack, to spend time with her.

I'm also getting ready to start bleeding and I've been a moody motherfucker because of it. I try not to spread my toxins to others.

Anyway. This picture was taken on a hike the other day. And I love it because it's very representative of my town. Being from the midwest, you don't really see the weather coming. It just happens that all of a sudden, it's raining or snowing or you're sweating. Here, you can see it raining in other parts of town. This happens all the time and it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

The Grudge Girl... On Crack

This is a picture that Natalie picture messaged me on my cell phone. It's a picture she took of her computer screen while we were talking on Skype. Too much technology can be creepy.

Sleeping Beauty

Cell picture of the day.

She fell asleep watching Snow White.

Echoes

cell pic of the day.

Emily and her friend are 6 months apart. Emmy is big for her age and her friend is small for hers'. They were yelling in to the pool room and shrieking when it echoed.

On Randomness.

Yesterday, there was no cell phone picture of the day. I had an unusually long day at work and then had to come home and write for three hours. So, there wasn't really time.

Now, Tuesday is usually reserved in this house for BAWT. Beer After Work Tuesday. Yesterday though, it couldn't happen because of the aforementioned working late. I got home and my legs hurt, and I was tired, and I was hot, and my face has been super oily lately? Which I don't understand. And on the stove was an order of potato skins from the bar The Girlfriend and I go to. IT WAS AWESOME.

Not awesome in the sense that I'm working on losing weight, and I've been succeeding, and so the potato skins probably didn't do much for that effort, but awesome in the sense that The Girlfriend went to the bar just to order them and bring them home for me to try and make my day that much better. It totally worked. She also picked Emily up for me, which was nice. I never get to just go straight home after work. I have to go to the other side of town to pick her up and then go home. Do you know how long it took me to get home? EIGHT GLORIOUS MINUTES. It's usually around a half hour because of traffic. Eight minutes, people. It was beautiful.

So I get home and kiss my girlfriend and hug on my baby girl and then I have a beer (which tasted way too good) and we eat the potato skins while Emily has mac n' cheese and I give the kid a bath and then she goes to sleep and I sit down at my computer: the last place in the world I wanted to be. I wanted to be on my couch, watching TV with The Girlfriend. But, I need to make money and I had a deadline today. So I'm writing and writing and writing and I realize that I just can't wrap my head around things because The Girlfriend is watching this show about a man who decided in his thirties, after he was married and had two kids, that he's really a woman. So he flew to Thailand to get full surgery and came back and was surprised when his heterosexual wife wouldn't have sex with him/her. He changed his name from Ted to Chloe and was surprised when his kids' friends' parents would no longer let their children come over.

It was sad. I can't imagine being born in the wrong body, and I can't imagine it taking that long to figure out. And I'm trying really hard not to be in the audience yelling selfish!selfish! But honestly, a small part of me thinks she was selfish. I mean, the surgery was $70,000. Plus more money. A new wardrobe, makeup, shoes, having to explain it to your kids, having your wife be stuck in a place she doesn't want to be in. I do think that that's selfish. But then I see the other side too, the side where when Chloe was still Ted, he tried to kill himself. Because that's horrible too. So is his wife selfish for wanting him back? For mourning the loss of the man she fell in love with? I don't know. I think that's a hard situation.

I just realized it's 5:36am. Have to go!

"It's a Love Fern!"

Well, a braided love ficus, to be more exact.

Afternoon Doldrums

I've been cleaning all morning and she is ready to DO SOMETHING. Right here she is snacking on walnuts and wishing the neighbor girl was outside on the porch next to ours.

Girls Can Like Superman Too!

Cell Phone Picture of the day.

Emily has recently learned about "boy things" and "girl things." I'm not particularly happy about this but I suppose it's just to be expected.

The Girlfriend bought this shirt the other day. Emily has this thing for Superman (which of course isn't based on any actual working knowledge of Superman, but is based on the fact that The Girlfriend loves Superman and Emily loves The Girlfriend and loves making her smile). She saw this shirt and lit up. The Girlfriend thought that I wouldn't let her wear it to school and honestly, I probably wouldn't have had she not mentioned it.

And then I got pissed at myself. Why can't she wear it? It's an awesome shirt that makes her happy. And I HATE that someone at school told Emily that girls can't like superheroes or cars (becausw between the three of us, The Girlfriend. Emily and myself, superheroes and cars are pretty important) and I hate that, at three years old, someone, some little snot of a child is telling my daughter what she can and cannot do.

Emily loves superheroes. She loves princesses. Her favorite color is purple and she loves purses and dress up. She loves firetrucks and baby dolls and rain boots and Hannah Montana. Her tastes are varied and wonderful and I want them to stay that way.

So. She wanted to wear this to school and that was fine with me. The Girlfriend and I had a talk with her about what to say if anyone teases her, and we both told her several times how awesome she looked. She hugges The Girlfriend and aaid "thank you SO MUCH for my shirt."

When we got to her school she ran ahead of me to the kitchen and, striking a muscle pose, she said to one of her teachers "look at mt shirt! Supermannnnn!!!" and then she ran, waving her arms to her classroom where she did the same thing to the teacher in there.

I hope that she doesn't loose this.

After Work Hike

cell phone picture of the day.

On Life Happening.

Life happens here. Over and over and over. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Because it's a real thing... an honest thing.

In an effort to keep this blog more lively, I'm instituting a cell phone picture of the day. Starting tomorrow.

Summed Up: Financial problems specific to my life are magnifying, growing at such an alarming rate that I've almost had a panic attack. Should be rememdied soon, but the time period between then and now is terrifying.

-School - re-signed up for, starting Aug. 24th.

-Work is going well, in that I love my job. But it's a job that's not necessarily designed to respond well to an economic slump. And my company's really a great one. So there's a little concern over the welfare of everyone there, myself included. But I think that's pretty country-wide.

-Work2 is going well too. I don't think I updated here that I have a freelance writing job (and ohmygod I'm totally freaking out geekily excited about it because WHOA I'M GETTING PAID TO WRITE and it's a small job but it's a PAID job.)

-Relationship is amazing. The Girlfriend and I seem to have waded in to a point in our relationship where life can happen to the both of us and instead of pushing each other away, we're drawing closer because of it. And it's truly a beautiful, wonderful thing.

-Sidenote, THE GIRLFRIEND IS GOING BACK TO SCHOOL TOO. Which is awesome.

-Emily is amazing as well. I'm trying to teach her to read. And it's going well. She can identify about half of the alphabet by sight and can write her name, and signed a card by herself the other day. I told her the letters to write, she wrote them, and I told her what she had written. Pretty fucking cool.

Beyond that, I'm going through a weight thing. In that I'm trying to lose some. And I'm too emotional about it to talk about it right here, right now. But rest assured, I will. Sooner than later.

My mom is doing well. Almost done with chemo.



Do you see why I'm not writing? This is all my head can produce. Fragments of thoughts.

So, cell phone picture of the day, tomorrow.

Education

So I think I've taken too many sociology classes. Emily wanted to watch Snow White after we got home from the park. I was doing laundry so I decided to let her. I didn't think she'd actually watch it because she's not so in to actually sitting down and watching things. But she did. After I was done putting the clothes away, I made her the oh so healthy dinner of a hot dog with barbque sauce (oh my god! hot dogs! tv! worst mom ever!) and I sat down to watch with her. That Queen used to scare the ever living shit out of me.

Anyway. We're watching, and Snow White eats the apple (which I used as a good example of Why We Don't Take Food From Strangers), and she falls in to the sleeping death or whatever. I'm watching with Emily and explaining what's happening, reading the dialogue on the screen between Snow White "dying" and the Prince coming to find her. So the Prince comes along and kisses her and I was so bothered! What kind of guy comes across a dead girl in a glass coffin and decides, I know, I'll kiss her! Her lips were probably so disgustingly chapped and she's surrounded by these strange little men and he just walks up and kisses her. I missed the beginning of the movie, and maybe that was important. I know that the Prince knew Snow White, so, whatever.

But then she just gets up and rides away and the castle is all lit up in the sky and everything's perfect.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not a feminist. I'm all for equal rights and equal pay, and the lack of reproductive rights in this country drives me insane. But I have no problem being treated like I'm a girl. For any feminists out there, don't let that statement freak you out. But I like haviong doors opened for me, I like not taking out the trash, I don't mind looking pretty. I like those things and I have no problem with Princess movies in general. They're cute, harmless movies. Which is why it's so strange that I am so bothered. I know that Emily's not going to learn that that's what life is about. I know that. But it still really bothered me that all of a sudden, with one kiss, Snow White is great and Emily says "aw mommy, she's so happy!"

I don't know.

She's Back

Yes. I am. And it was awesome. I promise this won't be like the last lake trip that involved me procrastinating so much that it never got written about. I will sit down, I'm planning on tomorrow, to write.

So much.

But now, it's off to work.

So

Tomorrow The Girlfriend and I are leaving for a small vacation. Nothing fancy. But good times, good people, and lots of sunshine. Hopefully this trip will not include second degree burns. I bought some stronger sun block.

Anyway. I hope this weekend is a good one for all of you.

What Emily Just Did

So we're working on a little calendar, Emily and I, for the days she'll be at The Girlfriend's mom's house and Emily was driving me crazy. So I wrote down her name five times to see what would happen and can I just say, my daughter is an expert tracer. I'm so geeking excited. I know, critics, that it's just tracing. But kindergardeners trace. I'm stoked.

In List Form.

- Went to La Casa Pateeta this last weekend. Mom is doing well. Is losing eyebrows and eyelashes in addition to already bald head, but it also losing tumors. Fair trade?

- Took Emily swimming with arm floaties. Chickenshit child actual floated by herself, around the pool. Was proud of her.

- Girlfriend stole bigger floatie that Gramma bought child and proceeded to fall off of it several times, bringing gales of laughter from child.

- I got slight color. Meaning that I can't be so bold as to use the word "tan" because that would just be a lie. But there are parts of me that are less white now.

- I did not get burnt. At all.

- Place of employment is doing program entitled "Get Active." General idea is a Biggest Loser type of thing, but slightly different. Requires two weekly hikes and one weekly challenge. Hiked two miles yesterday on lunch break. Now, my knees hurt.

- Going on childfree vacation this weekend. Maybe vacation is too large of a word. It will be four days in the heat and sun without my child. She will be at The Girlfriend's mother's house. Am excited. Am also worried that lots of vacation will be spent missing her. Maybe not, since I will also be drunk. Although that might make me miss her more. Note to self: don't get drunk and sappy.

- Had to interupt blog entry to poop! Pooping is good. However, why does that urge come on AFTER a shower? My butt smelled pleasantly of pomegranite mango, thank you very much. Oh well.

- Just looked at clock. Have to end blog entry. Will try to make more before vacation. If not, will come back with pictures. Or not. Will definitely miss the child though.

Oh To Live In Arizona.

They didn't pass the smoking in cars thing, which is GOOD. So hopefully now they can begin educating people and parents in particular on the damage of second hand smoke in children.

They did however pass new abortion laws. I updated about them a few weeks ago, and I am dismayed. I wish I had the money to fight it, to be on Jan Brewer's doorstep begging her to reconsider signing this in to law. But I can't.

Work this week has been outrageous. Someone has been sick, so we've all been pitching in, and it's tiring. Thus the lack of posting. And I promised myself I was going to sit down and post tonight and now, I just don't have the energy.

Sorry, internets. I need to get the baby in the tub.

In Which I Fail At Parenting. And Ninja Skills.

So Emily has this one pajama outfit. It was handed down to us by a friend. The pants are pink with large blue, white and light pink polka-dots and the top is pink sleeves with a huge smiling Minnie Mouse on it. She LOVES these pajamas. And I allow her that love, because her pajamas and her underwear are really the only place I don't mind characters splashed around like nobodies business.

Well, she outgrew these pajamas about, oh, a year ago. But she continues to wear them. They get washed constantly because she'll put them on. She doesn't care that the shirt doesn't even go down to her belly button anymore, let alone provide any actual belly coverage. The pants are forced up and pretty much sausage her thighs, with the bottom of the pant legs coming to right beneath her shins. The amount of growing she has done in the last year is pretty amazing. Anyway.

I weed out clothing when I do laundry. When her clothes are fresh out of the drier and I'm folding/hanging and putting them away, I separate what doesn't fit anymore and what could probably get a few more wears out of them. There is a stack that sits on top of her rubbermaid underwear/socks/undershirts drawer set and when the stack is too tall to stand without leaning, I take it to the Awesome Neighbors house because they have a daughter who's about ten months younger than Emily, and of a much smaller build. So when Emily is bursting out of seams, their daughter gets the clothes which, more often than not, have a few weeks of bagginess to them. It works rather well actually.

Anyway. The Minnie pajamas have made it to the stack about six times. And every time they make it to the stack, Emily FLIPS HER SHIT. She grabs them, toppling the stack over and clutches them to her chest with angry defiance. I let her win, because there's part of me that thinks it's endearing that this particular pair of pajamas is her favorite. Because she has no particular connection to Minnie Mouse. Emily is all about the princesses, Tinkerbell, and Hannah Montana. However, the last time I saw her in the pajamas I decided that it is Time For Them To Go. I figured out though, that if she ever saw the neighbor's daughter in them that Emily would have her heart broken. Since the pajamas are now very worn, I decided to just toss them. Which I am normally against. But I don't want her to see them at Goodwill, or on the Awesome Neighbor's daughter, or anywhere else on anyone else in any way, shape, or form.

So I put them in the trash can while she's outside playing, under a carton of milk and a cardboard box. I glance at The Girlfriend and whisper "don't tell her!" and walk away, mission accomplished.

A few hours later, which happened to be about twenty minutes ago, The Girlfriend and I are sitting on the couch, innocently watching some TV while Emily takes care of her dinner dishes when Emily walks up to me with a handful of clothing. Her arm is stuck straight out and her eyebrows are hitting my ceiling as she looks at me like, um, HELLO? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? BECAUSE I DO!

I calmly say, hey kid, what's up?

And she responds "Um, Mom? These were in the trash. Did you know that? Because they were because I just pulled them out."

I say, well, um, I must've-

to get interrupted with "They're my favorite Momma, don't DROP THEM AGAIN BECAUSE I LOVE THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE MY FAVORITE."

And she walks away, shaking her head at her mother's apparent stupidity and puts them in the fold pile on top of the drier.

Yeah. Fail.

Tangentially,

Well because the last post was just BUZZING with differences of opinions, healthy debate and funny hatecomments, I've decided to put my opinion down.

I'm talking about a recent vote to make smoking in the car with minors illegal. Now. In general, I think it's a good idea to do your best as a parent to protect your child from things that can hurt them. I think that includes second hand smoke. Children don't have an option to get away from the smoke from cigarettes and, yes, I think that parents who hot box their children are doing their children a disservice, especially with all of the data available about the effects of continual second hand smoke.

Now, with that said, here is my opinion: I think it is an incredibly slippery slope to be sliding on. The slope being a slop that begins to define what one can do in their personally, privately owned vehicle with their own children. I also feel that if this is put in to effect that many other laws need to be put in effect as well. Laws like "If you have children, you can't watch porn in the house." That one's from the girlfriend. And I know how ridiculous that is, but that's what needs to be thought about. If they can tell me I can't smoke in my vehicle, then they had better be paying for my vehicle. As long as I am paying, I can do what I want.

I don't smoke in the car with Emily, as a rule. I think it's gross and I don't want her to be the kid that smells like smoke. And yeah, health concerns blah blah blah. However, my reasons don't matter. I don't smoke with her in the car. And I think parents who do need to learn some facts about the dangers of it, and realize what they're doing to their children. But. It's my car, and it's my child. Therefore it is my choice.

I know that seems ignorant, that there are people who think this is a wonderful law and I'll say that I think it comes from a good place. But there are all sorts of things one shouldn't do in a vehicle (put makeup on, eat, get in to a song, talk, sign documents, groom animals, etc...) but they do. I saw a woman TWEEZING HER EYEBROWS at a stop light. Surely that's dangerous. And if she hit my car and killed my daughter, I'm sure Arizona would write a law against the use of tweezers in vehicles. So, again, I think this law comes from a good place. But I think that it's a dangerous starting point. I think that once we begin telling people what they can and cannot do with their possessions, clothing, and bodies, that we are transforming from a nation that is built on the freedom to make choices, even if they're bad choices, to a nation built on the notion that common sense doesn't exist.

And then I type that and find myself thinking, well, we DON'T have much common sense as a nation. What kind of person needs to be warned not to use a chain saw near their genitals, or not to throw a lit cigarette in to a pile of brush in fire season, or not to leave a child unattended in a walker at the top of a staircase? Who are we that we need these dire warnings and rules? Where did common sense go? I know that I have it, that I employ the use of it all the time when weighing my parenting decisions, my driving decisions, my grocery decisions. So why can I, and why can't other people? Why, especially, are parents not allowed to use common sense both from the law and from the demands of online parenting communities?

I once posted that I leave Emmy in the tub. She's three years old, NEVER SHUTS UP, and I go to the next room with both doors open and fold laundry while she sings. It's not like I leave her in there, hop in my car, go party for two hours and then come back. When I posted this I got 100+ comments about what an awful parent I am and that I deserve to see my daughter drown. Really? Because I'm pretty sure that in actuality I'm a single mom who has to fold the clothes, a mom that has taught her child that the bathroom rule is that you have to keep singing if you want your "piracy" and that at some point, one needs to give their child some room to learn some lessons.

That's probably a bad example, and there's probably someone whose cousin's boyfriend's mom's best friend left her daughter alone in the bathtub when she was nine years old for thirty seconds and came back in to find her daughter blue because she slipped and drowned in a half an inch of water. And if that happened to you, or your cousin's boyfriend's mom's best friend's daughter, I am very sorry. But for me, it works. It does. And for me, vaccinations work, and spankings work, and all sorts of things work. Leashes don't work for me.

I don't know what this all has to do with each other. I don't. I know that I suck at staying on topic (which is maybe why no one comments, even though I average about forty readers a day, come on people). I know that I am angry that rights seem to be taken away left and right and NO ONE CARES because it's in the name of safety. If this country is really worried about our kids, why don't we make fast food illegal? Start regulating our food industry and really start educating about the dangers of unsafe sex?

Hell, let's make a mandatory park that has checkin via fingerprint, eye scan and a drop of blood from both parent and child, a park that requires kids to work out for an hour a day? Why don't we try prohibition again? Because drunks are pretty fucking dangerous, don't you think? I know that drunk drivers are, yet people like http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=4262751 are let off with a 30 day sentence because of deep pockets. Why don't we just go ahead and ban conversation, because you never know when some kid will overhear something that will damage their minds. And shit, while we're at it, we can just get rid of parents all together, because those damn parents just fuck their kids up. Right?

It's part of life to fuck up, to make mistakes and learn from them, and while it's a parents' job to make good decision, they do have the RIGHT to make those decisions. They do.

I'm too angry to finish this. Not about smoking in cars, because like I said, I don't think one should smoke with kids around when it can be avoided. But about the impossible state of our country.

So excuse me while I go put twenty cigarettes in Emily's mouth, light them simultaneously and then laugh while I teach her to smoke twenty at a time.

Opinions?

The people in charge in Arizona are voting on making smoking illegal if there are any minors in a vehicle. They want to make it a non-moving violation and charge $50 per minor if caught.

I have a lot of thoughts on this, but am curious about others' opinions as well. So, discuss!

Nostalgia?

This is an old picture. Emmy was probably, I don't know, a year and a half? Somewhere around there. Honestly, some days I miss it a lot. Things were far less complicated. However, I wouldn't trade the comic relief of three for the tantrums of fifteen months at all. The communication upgrade makes the previous model less admirable too.

But still. Some days, I ache for those days. I wish I had been as happy then as I am now, because I'm curious if it would have shed a different light on that period for me.

Aren't we cute?

So.

I went to pride yesterday with The Girlfriend and it was, way different than the pride that I'm used to. The last pride I went to was in Chicago and it is a HUGE event. With police and protesters and over the top everything.

Here, there is a park that is gated off and there are two stages, a main stage for the drag queens and a smaller stage for some more local, less known acts. Yesterday, the highlight was a band called The Pubes (you can see their myspace here.) And they were awesome enough that I gave them seven of my dollars for a CD.

We walked around with my friend Sarah for awhile, got some overpriced beer, and then later went to a goodbye party for a friend at work. It was a very chill day.

I need to explain that life happens. I know that everyone knows this, that life happens and gets in the way of things like regular family emails, sending pictures to loved ones, making time for friends, and updating blogs. I do apologize for it though. So this update is to keep this thing updated. I love this blog, greatly. But this year so far has been hectic to say the least.

It began with a trip to Chicago to see my family and Alan. But this was no ordinary visit home, oh no. It was the visit that involved my dad meeting The Girlfriend. Which turned out fantastically well, but was stressful nonetheless. Three weeks later, I had to drop out of school due to financial difficulties and Emily had her birthday and my mom began going to the hospital for arthritis pain. The next month, my Grandfather died, I moved out of my apartment, moved in to a new place with The Girlfriend and, in the middle of moving The Girlfriend's old apartment to this one, had to make an emergency trip to my mom's neck of the woods when scans from her arthritis pain led to the discovery of ovarian cancer. Some of my other family was spiraling in to their own negativity and it involved my brothers. In April, the move was final and we had to deal with all sorts of maintenance issues, and my mom started chemo. May, things started calming down and then I got slammed with a money/legal issue that I don't care to go in to until it's over, and then, June, I got excited for the nice weather and my mom had a heart attack.

Now, the heart attack's over, I should be back in school by August, I'm settled in to my new home. I'm young and in love, and really, who needs more than that? I know exactly how blessed I am that I have my mom, my girlfriend, my daughter, my dad, and my friends. But. In six months, my life has turned upside down. So I sit at this computer to update things and don't know how to update anything with the lightheartedness that I want this blog to have. And I guess that's it: my life isn't lighthearted all the time. So, readers, I hope you're prepared for honesty. It may not be pretty. But I will begin updating more. I hope that you'll still read, and maybe learn from the things I'm doing in my life.

For now, I need to go lie down.
Goodnight.

ohmygod the talking.

Emmy: Hey mom our car is white and i love our car because it is white and that truck? That truck over there? It's yellow and I don't like it but if you had a yellow car I'd like it because it would be like the sun but that yellow is like pee-pee hahahahahaha I said pee-pee. Mom I have to go pee but I know I have to wait because we DON'T PEE IN THE CAR and I know better because only babies pee in the car and Momma, I want a sister but I want her to stay cute and like a baby and when she cries you can have her but when she's happy I'll hold her and change her diaper and we BE GENTLE WITH BABIES and Mom, that yellow car really does look like pee. Pee. Pee. PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Pee. Pee. I really have to go peeeee-eeeeee-eeee. But I can wait, Mom, Mom, I'm singing. Can you hear me? It's a song about pee. I'm singing like Hannah Montana because I'm like her look at my sunglasses! They're pink! Hannah would like them and so would her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus because he looooooooves Hannah when she's Hannah or Miley and he would looooooooove me and Momma, why wouldn't you buy me that Hannah cereal? Because it looked really cool and i really reeeeeeeaaaaallly wanted it and you wouldn't buy it and it made me sad like when I fell and got a bloody nose because I was running in the parking lot and WE DON'T RUN IN PARKING LOTS Mom, because we'll fall and get a bloody nose and get hitted by a car and then I'll died and you'll flush me down the toilet and I don't think i'd really like that.

I didn't like when we flushed Charlie (her old fish) down the toilet and now I have Goose and he's such a good fish because he swims and I don't want to flush Goose down the toilet because he's not died and Mom! I'm having a sleepover tomorrow! At the Awesome Neighbors! Because you love me and need grownup time with The Girlfriend and you guys are gonna KISS and HUG and KISS some more because you love her and you love me too Mommy, and why are so many cars yellow? And why can't we go to the park? I know it's windy but I really want to go and maybe tomorrow we can go and tomorrow I'll have breakfast and I want pink yogurt and I want to wear my princess dress when I eat it and Mommy, how old are you? Why is your hair the way it is? I have dark hair and so do you! I love dark hair! It's cool. I don't like light hair. Except on Auntie. Because Auntie is soooo pretty and I miss her and she moveded away and I miss her but those cats of hers kept trying to steal my crayons! And Mommy I want Auntie to come sleep over because I love her and we can do hair pretties and she lets me eat all the fruit snacks, but I have to LEARN TO SAY NO to the candy all because it makes my tummy hurt and I threw up at Walmart and The Girlfriend had to buy me a new shirt and I was smelly and no one wanted to be near me because I was smelly because I ate too much candy so I have to say no. Right Mommy?

Me: Um, yes. Too much candy makes you sick and-

Emmy: I know. It hurts my tummy and doesn't give me muscles. My vitamins give me muscles and they taste so yummy and I want a vitamin right now because they're good for me and I love them. Mommy, why is my carseat pink? I love pink. But purple's my favorite. And I like green because you do and Mommy? When will we be home? When we get home I want to go play in my room and listen to music and read my books and I want to dance around all crazy because I'm a kid and I can because I'm a kid and that's what kids can do but not grownups because grownups have to make money and you can't make money dancing, can you?

Me: Um...

Emmy: If i could make money dancing then I TOTALLY WOULD because it's soo much fun and it makes my body feel crazy and I love the music and Mommy? Can we listen to No One because I want to SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGGGGGGG.




And I promptly turned on Alicia Keys and cranked the volume. The talking OHMYGOD with the WORDS and the moving of the mouth and the talking, she talks, the talker with all the talking, yes, she belongs to me and OHMYGOD SHE'S STILL TALKING.

The Last Two Weekends, In Pictures.

I was inspired by one of my favorite blogs (flotsamblog.com), so am jumpstarting my post about the lake (and I know, I KNOW it was two weeks ago. I know. Remember that thing i said about deadlines? Yes? Ok.) by posting pictures. I am also posting a few pictures from camping last weekend.

So.

The Lake:













Of course the pictures aren't in any accurate order, and I had to not post most of them, because Emily's running around in her swimsuit. And while I'm all about blogging, I'm also from Chicago. And to me, you just don't post half-naked pictures of any children over a year. So, sorry.

So the lake was two weekends ago, and this last weekend, we went camping with the Awesome Neighbors to celebrate a birthday. Camping:














Ok. Time to go lie down on the couch and eat a hershey's hug. My uterus is in the process of falling out of my vagina, and it's a little exhausting.

Oh The Mondays

So that thing? In that movie? That movie that I love? A "case of the Mondays?" IS EXACTLY WHAT IS HAPPENING TODAY.

This has been one of the longest Mondays in a loooooong time. Yes, long enough to warrant five extra "o"s. I have this horrible habit in the mornings of not wanting to wake up. I never used to mind it, but now that my baby sleeps until I enter her room and peel her body from her blankets, now that my linens are regularly cleaned due to owning a washer and dryer, now that my bed is filled with the furnace that is my girlfriend, I don't like leaving the bed. It's not a mad rush to wake up and get the day over with, it's a love of groggily rolling over and kissing the shoulders of someone I love; an appreciation of a quiet house, clean and settled, safe and warm, a house that surely enough, has turned in to my home; a peace that settles over me, a knowing my baby is dreaming, starting to roll around and mumble, an assurance that I am safe and loved. And I'll admit that even though I love my job, I do wish I had more days in bed past five in the morning.

I rolled out of bed thirty minutes after the first alarm (4:55a) and realized I had no time for a shower. Because, you know, there's mandatory computer time in the morning and YES MY COMPUTER TIME IS USUALLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN A SHOWER. I read cnn.com, check the weather, check my email and facebook, and then I can go about my day.

I got to work and we had an incredibly busy day. This is a huge relief. Busy is waaay better than bored, and business enables me to have a job. But, it was a very long Monday. That's all I'll say about that.

So even though I didn't write about any lake adventures, I did update. This window has been open for two hours and tomorrow I have some legal matters that need to be taken care of. My mom should be home soon, and Emily loves to wiggle her butt.

I'll conclude with a conversation I had with Emily today on the car ride home:

Emmy: Mommy, how was your day at work?

Me: Rough, baby.

Emmy: That sucks.

Me: Yeah.

Emmy: Well, next weekend you can be a kid and The Girlfriend can be a kid and I'll be a grown-up, so remember, don't take your shoes off at school.

Me, laughing: Ok. What are you going to do when you're a grown-up?

Emmy: Work and make money and pick you up from school and hug you and kiss you and pick The Girlfriend up at school and make her mac and cheesearoni and watch her wiggle her butt and make more money and go shopping and watch a lot of Hannah Montana and never tell you it's tool late to watch Hannah Montana because I'll be the grown-up so YOU can go to bed and I'll watch Hannah Montana and eat mac and cheesearoni all night.

Me: ...

Emmy: That's how things should be, you know.

The Only Legal Form of Neglect.

I don't mean to neglect my readers, or my writing. I am grateful for the readers I have, and hope to get more.

My momma is in the hospital again. Nothing related to the cancer, but a pretty scary weekend anyway. I'm sure I'm not the only scared one. But, it's my mom. And I am scared.

Well, I was. Now, I'm better. And later today when I have more concrete details, I will be even better. But at the initial news, I was scared for her.

Anyway, duty calls and I have to go to work. It is a PROMISE though, that tonight I will update for real. Because the lake stories from last weekend are still in my head. And they're funny.

Teaser

So as you can see, I suck with deadlines.

Until I actually have time to write about last weekend, which I really need to do before this weekend, as we're going camping again, here is one picture.



I forgot to make coffee last night.

So In My Defense

I know I haven't updated. And the problem is the sunburn. On Saturday I got this crazy idea, this theory that I wanted to Get A Tan. So I applied spf 4 tanning lotion, the stuff The Girlfriend uses and laid out. For hours. When I got bored of laying out, I played with Emily. We played in the sand and the sun for hours. Then I would go back to reading. Finally, finally, I felt my shoulders get a little hot. So I let The Girlfriend put some spf 15 on them.

Well, I woke up with the entire backside of my body covered in horrendous burns. I was dizzy, nauseous, and found that my body couldn't find a temperature of comfort. Of course, on Sunday, we had to tear down camp. I helped. I cleaned out the tent.

Anyway, I got home with this sunburn from the devil and was still sick to my stomach. Mild case of sun poisoning? Some people will say that doesn't exist, and I have to give credit to that opinion. But I'm going to go ahead and use the term because it best fits what I felt like: that too much constant exposure had poisoned my body.

So. Monday was horrendous. I cried in the shower, I was at work trying not to move, (and I don't exactly work in an environment where that is possible), and I came home and didn't move from the couch.

Yesterday was better. Instead of every inch of my skin screaming, only my shoulders, lower back, butt and backs of my knees were screaming. And of course I helped my butt by falling down my stairs yesterday morning, so now a bruise is pretty likely to appear. (and let me tell you, rug burn doesn't exactly soothe a sunburn. yeah.)

So today, I woke up and I'm still sore (shoulders and backs of knees). But the soreness I can handle. I was able to take a shower without crying, I'm sitting here in my chair not in pain because of it, and blog, I have missed you these last couple days.

Tonight I will tell of our lake trip, Emily's first one. It may come in parts, as I have to keep shifting my butt, but it will begin tonight. With pictures!

Thanks for reading.

Adventures To Come!

I just got back from a small weekend vacation. It was wonderful, and I'm literally burnt to a crisp.

I want to update. But the movement of my fingers is hurting my skin.

Tomorrow! Promise!

New music

It's something I love. Deeply. I can honestly say that there isn't much music I don't love. i grew up singing, and listening to the jazz and classical music of my grandparents. Then I listened to the rock and roll of my mom and got introduced to Janis Joplin by my dad. I got in to pop music through my friends and grew to have an unhealthy love for The Backstreet Boys, although NSYNC was alright too. And Hanson. Oh my god, Hanson.

In high school I got much more in to the pop punk stuff. Alkaline Trio, New Found Glory, The Ataris (before So Long, Astoria), all of that. To this day Alk3 and NFG are two of my favorite bands. Call me tasteless. Anyway. I downloaded the new Panic! CD today and have to say, I'm not very impressed. Their first CD BLEW ME AWAY with it's level of awesome. This one, well, I've only listened to it three or four times. So we'll see. Right now I have Mandy Moore on in the background (I know. You think she sucks. That's fine. I have no problem being the dork.) and it's weird. Very unlike her cover album or the pop stuff she did ten years ago.

Emily's in her room where she's supposed to be sleeping. Instead, I hear her telling her monkey off. "Monkey, you listen to me. You don't walk around doing whatever you want. You have 'sponsibilities! I'm not playing this game with you and I know you want to watch Hannah Montanna but I have to go to work and go bye-bye so you just need to deal, ok? When I tell you to do something, you just do it." Yeah. I totally don't know who she's imitating. NOT A CLUE.

I took Emily out to dinner tonight. It's something we haven't done in a very long time. After a day that for me was filled with anxiety, frustration, and endless sighing at a certain financial situation in my life, I really just didn't want to cook or clean or do anything like that. The Girlfriend is out with her best friend and I didn't want to sit at home alone. So Emily and i went out. To The Olive Garden.

Now, I know some people who HATE The Olive Garden. But me? Hell no. I LOVE it. I love the "italian" food, I love the uniformity, I love the smells, the "authentic" menus, everything about it. And the breadsticks? Come on. Even the haters need to admit that the breadsticks are pretty fantastic. Emily was amazing. She always is, surprisingly. She said hi to the waiter, ordered her food "with pepperonis please" and asked me how my day at work was. We talked about our days while the grandparents at the table next to us kept smiling at Emiyl's back and winking at me.

The kid really does surprise me sometimes. She is an incredibly well-behaved child. She has a lot of spunk, a lot of will power and when she's hurt by something she acts out like no one I've ever met. But in general, she really is very very well-behaved. I think I got lucky. But at the same time, I'll credit my parenting a little bit.

Anyway. This post is pointless. And I'm going to go puke. Because my stomach is bursting with GENUINE CHICKEN MARSALA.

Random

A List Of Things That Happened To Me Today, In No Particular Order:

- I got hit on by a trucker. Her had a mullet. This was no ordinary mullet, of ordinary proportions. Oh no. This mullet was about three inches high in the front, and in the back went down three quarters of his back. Not only was it a mullet, but it was a mullet comprised of jerry curls. Yes. A two foot long, jerry curl mullet. He kept complimenting my eyes. He was throroughly creepy.

- I won a prize from a radio station.

- I calculated that with my weight loss thus far, I have lowered my BMI by almost four points. Which is awesome!

- A man was excitedly telling me about an almost 2000 lb. bull that he used to own. This bull's neck, according to this man, was THIS BIG, so big that he couldn't even wrap his arms around the neck. Then he began to tell me that this bull had torn down his fence, so he had to sell it to another rancher. But before he sold it, he artificially inseminated it with semen from the University of Oklahoma. This was, apparently, no ordinary semen. Oh no. It was super semen, semen that was so special that he couldn't even explain. Apparently, this bull made some damn good calves.

- I went to three different stores to find a DVD that I have seen constantly in stores. Season two of Dexter. The one day I want to buy it, it's nowhere to be found.


I've told you before that I suck at conclusions, right?

More TV Commentary. You Know You Like It.

So I was watching The Freak Show a few mintues ago, and all I want to say is, how the hell does she remember all of their names? I wonder if she ever confuses them. Or if they're all named "heyyy, come here!"

amazing.

In Which I Review TV With No Qualification Whatsoever.

I watched the season premiere of Jon and Kate Plus 8 last night. It's never been a show that I watched religiously or anything, but I definitely enjoy it. It really helps me to see other moms being moms. Sometimes I feel like the task is so big, a task so big that there is no possible way I could possibly handle it. Watching Kate makes me feel a little better. Like, if she can handle eight kids, why can't I handle one?

That's a whole other post, for a whole different day. So. I was watching this premiere last night because I wanted to see what was going to happen. I'm sure that most people have seen him in the tabloids with accusations of cheating and the like. While I was watching this episode, my heart just kept breaking. Over and over they looped him saying "I can't be Jon. I have to be Jon and Kate Plus 8, and I still haven't gotten a grip on that." Every time he said that, I could feel my throat tighten.

I saw the paparazzi at the birthday party and thought that was just ridiculous. I saw them running around when Kate took her kids to the party supply store and I felt grateful that the kids probably don't know what they're there for. I saw Kate's face when her, Mady and Cara were filling goody bags alone. I got angry when Jon showed up at the party and hadn't lifted a finger.

But while I was watching, I kept thinking: these are real people. This is a real life they're living, with real kids, and real problems. What's wrong with Jon going to a bar once in a while? I go grab one beer after work, every Tuesday. Do I deserve to have my face splashed all over the place? Am I a bad parent? Am I a bad signifigant other? I mean, granted, we go together. But what about anything I do? If I were semi-famous and two guys asked to take a picture with me, I'd probably do it. I wouldn't know how to say no, especially if the limelight wasn't somewhere I was particularly comfortable. So if that picture got taken, would I then be a cheater? Of course not! I feel for him so much. I have a hard time with my one kid, he has EIGHT of them. His whole life, his whole world has flipped upside down. He is a stay-at-home parent and that is HARD. I can't think of any other job that might require a beer after hours. Except the hours never end.

And Kate, I understand why she does this show. I'm not in her head, I'm not in her shoes. But first, the TV show must generate a lot of money. If I had eight college funds to worry about? I would be doing everything I could. And not only eight college funds, but eight mouths to feed, sixteen feet that need shoes, six preemies that have the potential for a lot of problems. I understand that this is a way of documentation, and if it were me, it would be a constant test... a way to evaluate my parenthood. Also, with eight kids, you're GOING to miss out on moments. If they're taped, you can look back at them and maybe learn more about your kids and yourself.

I'm not saying that Jon didn't do anything. I'm not. I have no idea what their marriage is about, how they feel for one another, or the dynamics between them and how they may have changed. However. I do know a little about relationships. And honestly, I admire the both of them for getting up there on TV and talkign about it. It made me so sad to watch, so sad to see these people that used to light up when they saw eachother, to see them falling apart. But. Would you have the courage to talk about it? To face the rumors? I don't know that I would. I think I might be too scared. And their kids will see this one day. They are being real for their children, and they love their children.

Some say they asked for this limelight, this life, but I don't think they did. I'm sure that even though I read tabloids sometimes, I have NO idea what it's truly like to be a celebrity. To have people outside my home, to have more to protect my children against, more to teach them about, more caution to take than I already have. I think that they began this show because they wanted to document it. They believed that their children, and their relative health, was miraculous. They wanted to let the world take a peek in. It's not their fault that the world fell in love with them. Has Jon been in the wrong place at the wrong time? Maybe. Has Kate neglected her marriage for her public image? Maybe. Who knows? Not me.

But I will stick to my admiration of their heart, their joint parenting efforts (although, come on Jon. Pick it up a little bit.), and their effort at divulging the reality of the situation. I've read that it looked like they were uncomfortable. And they did! But, wouldn't you be? Can you imagine their lives? Can you imagine haveing SIX FIVE-YEAR-OLDS? I can't. I would go crazy! If I got caught at one bar one time, or with one wrong person at one wrong time, I'd consider myself blessed.

I'm curious how the season will play out. I am. But what I hope is that they can find some middle. That maybe Jon can go back to work and Kate can tone it down a little. That the kids see their parents' effort, their pledge to do their best, and that the kids never forget that they are loved.

We'll see.

I'm not very PC.

On Friday The Girlfriend took me on a super secret surprise date. I got home from work and was told to pack an overnight bag. Emily spent the night at a friend's house.

We drop Emily off and get on the road. After about three hours, we end up in Laughlin, Nevada. It was awesome! I had no idea, and The Girlfriend pulled it off beautifully. She made reservations at a hotel, told me what to pack in my bag, got good prices, everything. It was, simply, awesome. I've been desperately needing time away from real life and this was the perfect thing. And, to add to it, to be able to spend that time away from real life with The Girlfriend was awesome.

Real life has a tendency of weighing down on us, as I'm sure it does on all people. Like, oh shit, we've been so busy doing all the things that need to be done that we haven't had a kiss longer than four seconds in two weeks. That kind of stuff. And frankly, it sucks. I'm thrilled that we got to go to Laughlin, because neither of us had any worries. I was so thrilled to have a night to just the two of us, so thrilled that it was a night we were just focused on each other, and in a place that was away from the small town in which we live, that I couldn't shut up about it. Because in our small town, you can't go ANYWHERE without seeing five+ people that you know. It was wonderful not to have to pretend to be interested in other conversation. It was wonderful to just be with her.

We started out walking down "the strip" just looking at the different places. I guess this place is supposed to be a mini Las Vegas. Size wise, if Las Vegas was as big as a 44 oz drink, Laughlin would be a half a shot. But it was still awesome.

We began walking to the start of the strip to a casino called The Riverside, which is where Natalie works. We stayed there for about two hours looking for Nat and playing some slots, but the amount of creepy men was a little overwhelming. So we meandered next door to The Aquarius, where I made ten dollars turn in to two hundred dollars and got carded about twelve times. From there we did the River Walk (all the casinos are on the Colorado River, and there's a walk that connects them all). It was beautiful. It was about midnight and there were ducks, and fish, and all sorts of couples standing dreamily with their arms around each other's backs. We stopped in at Edgewater, but left pretty quickly. The Girlfriend got on a blackjack table and didn't win anything, but didn't lose anything. I wanted to go to The Colorado Belle, but it was getting late and I also wanted to get back to our room. How cool does that place look though?

I would like to interrupt this timeline of events to discuss the different variety of people that can be seen at casinos. So far, it's second only to the outfits one can see on Jerry Springer. There are the old women, with huge boobs and fantastically orange tans. They walk around in very low cut dresses and shout things loudly, things like "OH MY GOD YOU SLUT! THIS PLACE IS SO FUCKING BUSY!" They shout in the hopes of getting attention from younger men, refusing to give up on their glory days when their boobs were real, perky, and their smiles were genuine and not surrounded by wrinkles. These women remind of of the Real Housewives of Orange County. Look it up.

Then there is the next group of women, the older women who don't go to surgery, but simply to "young" clothes. There was one woman who had obviously been through several pregnancies. She was probably sixty or so, and she was wearing the TIGHTEST jeans ever. The jeans had bling embellishments on the back pockets and came up to about hip level. The shirt she paired with these jeans was a midriff bearing tshirt of a baby blue color, with more bling embellishments spelling out the words "hot mama." In between the tshirt and jeans was the result of all the pregnancies, the skin that is wrinkled, leatherlike, that was hanging over the jeans. She was walking around shoving her stomach out at men and making lewd comments. (disclaimer: I obviously have a baby. But I don't subject people to the stomach that used to be lovely that was ravaged by pregnancy. It's called decency.)

The next group of women: The gold diggers. The young women who may or may not have had breast implants whose legs are still beautifully tanned and whose hair is perfect. Their eyes are dead as they drape themselves over forty-seventy years old, the ones that grimace when these men playfully grab their asses and talk about them like cattle to the card dealers. "See this one? Her ass is so high and you should see how she can make it move. Come on, baby, show the man that thing your ass does." Disgusting. And what's worse is that these girls think they're really on top of the game, but these men in Laughlin, Nevada aren't even real sugar daddies. They're disgusting men with a little more money than is normally seen. Which is why they hang out in Laughlin, instead of, say, Las Vegas or Chicago or somewhere with class.

Moving on to the old ladies, who I actually love. The ones who know they aren't hot and aren't there to be hot. They're there to play the slots and laugh with their cigarette voices, the ones that dance around when their nickel turns in to twenty dollars, with blue eyeshadow up to their eyebrows and a story for anyone with an open ear.

Moving on to the men. I saw more men with tight Wranglers, big pot bellies and unwashed wifebeaters tucked in to their wastes that I almost puked. The majority of these men were at The Riverside, and they walked around swinging their hips, thinking they were still twenty year old cowboys that were attractive. When instead, they are fifty year old men who are just plain creepy. Their unwashed mullets, slicked back with baby oil and their armpit hair covered with deodorant, their faces that lit up at the sight of the young gold diggers and their lewd, toothless words when the young gold diggers denied them, just, yuck. They were gross and were one of the main reasons I wanted to leave that casino.

The second group of men were the guys who were trying to look rich. The ones who were loud, always shoving out a lighter to girls, wearing blazers of different colors and shoes that were shined to the point that they almost looked nice, these men were trying to be high rollers, slipping off quietly when they ran out of money.

There was also a huge selection of hombres. That's what I call them. Young boys and old boys that wear tube socks to their knees, long shorts and clean wifebeaters, with gold chains and shaved heads, leering faces and the total confidence that This Look, This Look is the Way To Go. Yeah. Creepy.

I have so many more descriptions, so many more observations of Casino Wear, but I really have to pee and I fear that this post is long enough. If your eyes aren't bleeding, you're good.

Now, what are you doing for Memorial Day?