In Which I Discuss Grossness

What grossness is this, you ask? Why, the Public Restroom!

I was at Walmart today so The Girlfriend could get her fishing license. I had to pee, like always, so I go to the nearest restroom, where I am greeted by a giant burly man holding a mop. I ask him, um, when are you going to be done cleaning? He responds with a grunt and points at a sign asking customers to please go to the front of the store to use the restroom, as this one is currently being cleaned. I look up at him, mutter "thanks" under my breath, and head to the front of the store.

I get there, and, lo and behold! Another fucking sign! This sign says that the women's restroom is out of order. So I go to the men's restroom because I was scared I was going to pee in my pants, only to be pushed out of the way by a large, eighteen-year-old-ish kid with a tilted hat and a spiderweb tattoo on his neck. He opens the door ahead of me and I am hit in the face with the brick wall of OHMYGODSTENCH from that bathroom. He offers to let me go first, and I politely decline. I hear his other high school friends laughing at me as I walk away, all "that girl was gonna use the dude's room! Does she have a dick or something?" Yeah, you guys were HILARIOUS AND VERY MATURE.

So I'm walking now, a waddle involving trying to move while clenching the legs together, to the other end of the store thinking maybe the burly man was done with the mop. He wasn't, and there were FIVE WOMEN WAITING in the line now. So I wait. And I do the dance, the pee dance. And then I get a text asking where I'm at, and have to silence my phone (because my text alert is Emily saying "Oh no you didn't!"). I FINALLY get to the stall and am pissed because there was pee in the toilet. A big deal? Probably not. But still.

I lift my foot to look for the flusher and it's an automatic seat. So I figured the flusher wasn't working. Fine. I unzip and sit down quickly because really, I had to fucking pee. And, my thighs are wet. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW. I regret not having any Lysol or flame throwers with me because EW SOMEONE ELSE'S PEE IS ON MY THIGH and the toilet begins making this hissing noise.

hiiiisssssssssssssss. HIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

I stand up quickly, cutting my pee short, and cling to the back of the stall door with my pants around my ankles because of course, the toilet decides to work. Why does it want to flush when I'm still peeing? Is there something moving around behind my back while I'm peeing that I'm not aware of? Is it not a motion sensor, but a timed sensor? Something? So I'm standing and in true form, I have my eyes squeezed shut (which is what I normally do when there is something inevitable vile or scary happening, because, you know, if my eyes are squeezed shut then nothing will happen to me) in horror at the thought of all the germs flying up from that toilet, germs that are aiming for the backs of my legs, germs that maybe are looking for some company in the pee drops that were on the toilet seat. And I'm thinking, did I piss someone off?

I pull up my pants and with the excuse of being extremely bothered I forget to wrap my hoodie around my hand before I open the door, which I realized when my hand got wet on the door handle. Who the fuck used the bathroom before me? Who tricked the toilet in to not flushing, peed on the seat and then got the door handle wet? WHO WOULD DO THIS?! So I'm cringing and walking out of the stall and see four women in line giving me dirty looks because, apparently, I took too long to pee or something. I rush to the sink and scrub my hands for about four minutes (which is a long time if you think of it). I look up, and sure as shit, there's no paper towel dispenser or anything. So I push the handle to get some paper towels out and then wash my hands again, grab the paper towel, use it to push the handle to get more paper towels, and then finish and open the door with the towels as well.

It was horrifying. I'm not normally such a germaphobe. But my hands are constantly near my face, in my daughter's face and my immune system is for shit. I get sick SO EASILY. Keeping my hands clean is one of the only ways I can battle all of the illnesses in the air attempting to attack my body and leave me sick and dying for weeks on end.

Hi internet, I talk about toilets.