Battles. (edited to add: tangents.)

I just had a battle with the doors to the laundry room. They are two unmatched and differently sized doors, and they do not close correctly. I have an awful habit of taking frustration out on inanimate objects. The door wouldn't close, and the stupid slider thing came off the track, and then the other side of the top of it, the stationary side with a brace, not a slider, and with no sliding capabilities whatsoever, slid off the track as well.

So instead of calmly fixing it, I begin to slam the door, over and over and over again, until finally, the one side pops back in and the side that opens breaks off. So now the door hangs there instead of sliding, but it closes. It fucking closes. So I win.

I've been having several little episodes like this, episodes where something so tiny happens, something so indescribably small-scale and I just FLIP THE FUCK OUT. I have no idea what it wrong, except that everything feels just a little bit wrong. I don't deal well with this, this multitude of wrongness. When big problems happens, or when one specific thing is wrong, I'm fine. Because, see, that means I can fix it. This though, this completely overwhemling everythingwrongness is something that I cannot fix, and if there is one thing I loathe in this world it is being out of control. Hi, internet, I'm Melissa and I'm a control freak. I can admit it.

It's not to an unhealthy extent, for example, I don't need to control the people around me, or worldly events (though I wish I could). I simply need to be able to control every single aspect of my own life, of Emily's life, and when my head wigs out, I freak out because zomg why the fuck can't I fix it?!? WHY?! And then I get so upset that I can't fix it that the laundry room door suffers an attack (although, come on, it so deserved it.)

The Girlfriend picked Emily up from school today to take her fishing. Which was pretty awesome. This spending-time-with-the-three-year-old-of-her-own-free-will thing is relatively newer, and it's something that warms my heart through and through. Of course I got a call an hour in to PLEASE COME GET THE CHILD BECAUSE SHE WON'T STOP WHINING. But hey, I'll take baby-steps.

Speaking of The Girlfriend, we're at that phase in the moving-in part of the relationship where it's all, um, HOLY SHIT we live together. Like, why do you load the dishwasher the way you do? Huh? Because that's SO NOT THE RIGHT WAY. And things like, um, Melissa? STOP LEAVING YOUR FUCKING COFFEE CUP IN THE BATHROOM (which, by the way, internet, is the PERFECT place to keep it. I wake up and pee, and then I'll bring the cup down and get coffee. See? I'm right.) and the development of it is admittedly a little stressful, and is admittedly a little more stressful than I thought it would be, but is also endearing in a difficult-to-explain way. Like, even though we spent every night together for eleven months, there're things we're learning about each other, and I can't speak for her, but things I'm learning about myself. Things like, hey, it doesn't matter if the dishwasher is loaded "right" or not, it matters that I'm with someone who will load the dishwasher so I don't have to.