Breath

Tomorrow I will catch up on my 365. I'm not giving up one week in. My Mom came out of surgery, which is good. The cancer is everywhere, which is bad. We're supposed to focus on the good though.

It's really difficult for me, to have hope. Not that I don't, I absolutely do. However, I can't live on blind hope and faith. I just can't. I need information, a plan, every detail possible. I need to know the absolute worse thing to plan for and the absolute best thing to hope and work for. I need bad news before good news, or I don't believe the good news. And people give me a lot of shit for it. I am a practical person.

I have a will. It is not for possessions, but for guardianship for Emmy if something happens to me. However, there are possessions listed on it as well just so avoid anything in the case of my unlikely death. I have this done not because I am morbid, but because it is safe, wise and right to have it done. The two people I have listed in this document each have a copy of it, just in case. I carry info in my wallet, just in case. I have a living will that needs to be updated, just in case. I'm a big believer in Just In Case. It is how I live. I do this because having all my Just-In-Cases in a row, sitting pretty in the front of my file cabinet, ahead of the credit info and my utility bills because it enables me to live more freely. I don't have to worry that I haven't taken care of something. I'm not always on the lookout.

I'm saying all of this because I don't like when people think less of me because I'm a person that makes awkward jokes at inopportune times, trying for a room full of laughter rather than a room full of people nervously wringing their hands. Why, if I'm doing it wrong and they're doing it right with their hope and their positive energy (which people assume I have none of), am I the one that is positive, ok, happy and hopeful? Why are they the ones with teary eyes and grim faces, accidentally reading spanish versions of magazines or staring at one page in a book? It's not that I get off on distraction or that I'm knocking anyone's version of grieving or worrying. Lord knows, and you all probably do too, that I am a WORRIER. I worry about everyone and everything. But, it's why I'm a just-in-caser as well.

I don't know where this post is going. I don't. I know that I'm drowning a bit in all of this thought and that I'm stoked my Mom is out of surgery, moving a foot forward in her life. I'm happy that I have great friends, old and new. I'm happy that I have a life I love, and that I am building a life I'll love even more.

the end.